i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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