"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Go christen that room with your naked body.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
