Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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