I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
