He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
