i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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