Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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