Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
