I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I want to be your penis for a week.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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