This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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