I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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