don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
