Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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