Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
