I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...