Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.