I'm lost and stupid without you.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”