oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.