I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
