I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
