i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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