I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
