I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
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Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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