just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
