Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.