i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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