dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
