My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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