I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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