the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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