i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
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I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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