then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
