We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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