He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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