Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
