My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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