I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
