I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
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I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
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