Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
