found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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