he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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