Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
