Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
