Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
