you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
