I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
