it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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