It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
