Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
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I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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