When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
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I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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