as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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