This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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