It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
