A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
